The reason I left Scientology can be summed up in three words. I was Terrified. I have been out for 17 years and I am still terrified. Every day. I still wake up crying from nightmares at least twice a month. Just by writing this I am opening myself up for attacks from the Church of Scientology and it’s Office of Special Affairs. I am sure they will be spreading lies about me like they have others who have left the “church”. But you, dear reader, deserve to know the truth.
Here is how it happened. I had never been a Scientology public. (client or parishioner). I started out by applying for a job as a book seller and moved up very fast. But I came to believe that Scientology was the only way we were going to fix the world. Many Scientologists still believe this.
I had been on staff in Scientology for about six and a half years. First in a mission and then transferred to the Scientology Organization (herein after called the Org), in Las Vegas, Nevada. I was the Public Executive Secretary. This is the person who is in command of the division responsible for bringing new people into Scientology and I was good at it. Maybe too good, as my heart was really with Hubbard on the way to build up a great Org, and indeed all of Scientology was to keep getting new people in. This thought was soon to get me into big trouble.
What happened was this. The Executive Director of the Org was taken off post for reasons I never knew. This was a command decision from way up and a lowly Executive Committee didn’t have a need to know. They (command) decided that I was to be the new Executive Director and that I was to appoint the receptionist to the post of P.E.S. We were both to report to Los Angeles (Big Blue) for training on our new posts. We were there for three days and the training was intense. We had three days to learn what most people learned in three months, but we both buckled down and did it. Another big problem that I will get to next.
Throughout my life I have been blessed (cursed?) with an almost perfect memory. What I have read once, I remember. I can tell you what we talked about several years ago, on a certain occasion. So because of the things that I had learned in my P.E.S. training, and the things that I learned on my E.D. training, I knew a lot of Hubbard’s policies that the average Scientologist didn’t know. I even knew policies that many Sea Organization (The Elite command structure) personnel didn’t know.
I had been on this post for about three months and things were going fairly well. The Org was making money and we had new people coming in. One day, a Sea Org mission came into the Org to set up an event for the International Association of Scientologists (I.A.S.). Now I didn’t really like this idea because first, I could not find in policy where it should even exist, and second, I had attended their events before and the only reason they had these events was to make money for the I.A.S. Once a person was at this event, he was going to donate something. Or he wouldn’t be allowed to leave.
Although I didn’t like it, I didn’t have too much choice in the matter, so I filed it in my mind to write up later. What happened was that they started pulling all my staff members off of their posts to do an all-hands call-in for this event, which we were supposed to make happen in three days. I also didn’t have too much to say about that except certain posts that I knew we had to have in order to keep the Org running. Then they tried to pull my P.E.S. off post to do call in for the event. That was when I put my foot down. I knew the Hubbard’s order on this was clear. You do not stop the Public Division for any reason. I told him to go back to what he was working on and I would handle it. I told him that if they gave him any flak about it, they could come and see me. When they came into my office, I was ready for them with written policy to back me up. They told me it didn’t matter. I told them that if they continued pressuring my people they were out.
One hour later I received a telex to report to Los Angeles the next day by 9 A.M. , at my own expense, for a Committee of Evidence (which is a nice way of saying Kangaroo Court). I made it there on time and walked into the hallway where it was to take place at 8:45. Once in the hallway, it was locked with a guard at the door. They kept me waiting until Noon. I had gone into the restroom a couple of times, it was a room off the hallway so I couldn’t get out that way, It didn’t have any windows anyway.
I was escorted into a small room a set at a table opposite the door. Although it wasn’t a jury of my peers, it would have to do. My judges were three Sea Org members who were also high up in the Security Command. It wasn’t too bad at first, and I had to give my enemies credit, in that short time, they had managed to get several of my staff to send in reports on me. When they read me the charges on these reports I handled them all, as they were as false as grannies teeth. I felt good. I thought that I had settled any concerns that they could possibly have.
The person who had been asking most of the questions nodded and said “end of committee of evidence”. I though I was going to leave. I was wrong. He told my to pick up the cans. (these are the leads to the e-meter). For the next 9 hours they screamed questions at me rapid fire. “What are your crimes? What have you done to Scientology? What have you done to Hubbard? What have you done to David Miscavige? Etc. etc. etc” each question on the tail of the last with no time to answer in between. The only times I was allowed to leave the room was to use the restroom and I was escorted there and watched. Also, I could not have run because of the locked door and guard at the end of the hall.
9 hours seemed like a lifetime. And by the end, I was broken. I would have sworn my allegiance to the Devil at that moment to get out of that room. I would have agreed to anything. At that moment, I would have agreed to kill to get out of there.
I later learned that this process is not in any policy written by Hubbard. It is something that is used anyway. This process (which is called a gang bang security check) is designed to do only one thing. To break you. To make you a pliable little staff member.
They told me that I could return to my Org. That I was going to go back as the P.E.S. Which made me a little happy because I had never wanted the E.D. post. At that time, I knew that I only had another three months to go before my contract was up, and I also knew that I would not be signing another one.
They also told me that I was never to tell anyone what had gone on it that little room (oops, I blew that one didn’t I).
You think my story is bad? It is. But there are many Scientology Sea Org members and staff that are going through worse than this even as you read this post. Thank you for reading this
Please read the second part of my story HERE!